


the coffee table kissing bet

by kattyshack



Series: snowflakes [11]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: (as per ush but like more blatantly obvious since he's been drinking to work up his nerve), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drunk Jon, F/M, Flirting, Fluff, Fluffy Like A Marshmallow, Humor, Texting, jon thirsting after sansa, smitten kitten jon TO THE MAX
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 20:26:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13934739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kattyshack/pseuds/kattyshack
Summary: inspired by this chat post by @incorrectjonsansa on tumblr:Jon: You remind me of pinky toes.Sansa: What? How?Jon: You're cute, small, dainty.Jon: And I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later.





	the coffee table kissing bet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soapieturner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soapieturner/gifts).



> a/n: i’m too tired (read: hungover) to do anything worthwhile in any of my wips rn but i wanted to do SOMETHING today, so enjoy this nonsense instead!
> 
> another one for mandy bc she wrote the chat post and is — lowkey but still CLEARLY — telepathically communicating “kat u should fic this” every time she’s thirsting for some new jonsa

**JON** : SaNSYPANTS are you clming over??

 **SANSA** : JON SNOWPANTS have you already gotten sloshed without me??

 **JON** : i am. i did. shit. i’m sorry sansa  
!!!!!! !!!!

 **SANSA** : I’m only teasing. You should be celebrating; you just got promoted. But some of us sorry sods are just now walking out the building after a positively horrendous day under the thumb of their overbearing creep of a boss. I’ll be over as soon as I shower away the memories of Mr. Petyr Baelish looking down my top all day.

 **JON** : he WAHT

 **JON** : sansa yiu should wear a SWEATER

 **JON** : one of MINE

 **JON** : yeha yiu could wear one of my sweatees to work and tell mr BAELISH thag its your BOYFRIENDS and hes JACKED okay and he’ll fight anybody who even LOOKS at you so hed better knock it kff

 **JON** : i’ll kick anybodys ass. i’ll kick my kwn ass

 **SANSA** : You want to be my fake boyfriend just to make my boss second-guess his wildly uncomfortable fixation on me?

 **JON** : sanas i wanna be your REAL boyfriend bc im iN LIEV WJTH HIU

 **SANSA** : Somehow the drunken typos make that sentiment mean so much more than it would if you told me so while coherent.

 **JON** : IN LOVE WITH YOU* i’m in love with you  
see sansa incan type right

 **SANSA** : Who’s monitoring your alcohol intake??

 **JON** : who’s moniterjfn. yiur pRETTY FACE????

 **SANSA** : I’ll be there soon to ply you with water so you’re not dreadfully hungover all weekend.

 **JON** : sansa id gou want me to drink water i’ll  
drink water  
i’ll drinj whatever ylu want me to drink  
your wish js mg command  
lkie all tbe time  
ill give you whagever you want

 **JON** : WHATEVER  
YOU  
WANT  
;) ;) ;)

 **SANSA** : Do NOT start drunk sexting me, Jon.

 **JON** : :(

 **JON** : Attachment: 1 Image

 **SANSA** : Don’t send me pouty selfies, either!! What am I supposed to do with this sad picture of you??

 **JON** : use it as hour phone backfround :)

 **SANSA** : If I’m going to use any picture of you for my wallpaper, it’s going to be a shirtless one otherwise what’s the point?

 **JON** : sANSA  
ARE YOU FLIRTJNG WJTH ME??  
also can i have a shirtless oicture of YOU? ?

 **SANSA** : We’ll see how the night goes.  
… ;)

 **JON** : :D

 

* * *

 

 **MARGAERY** : what are you texting jon? he’s glued to his phone and he looks like pepe le pew every time he sees that girl cat he thinks is another skunk

 **SANSA** : What makes you think it’s me he’s texting?

 **SANSA** : Also. Really? THAT’S your frame of reference? An interspecies cartoon romance?

 **MARGAERY** : say what you will, but pepe is SHOOK and so is jon

 **MARGAERY** : ~also… of course it’s you he’s texting. i’m not an idiot. jon’s pepe le pew face and his ‘oh lordy, sansa’s acknowledging my existence and reaffirming my life force! i wonder if she notices my tongue lolling out of my mouth like a big dopey DOG??’ face are one and the same

 **SANSA** : …wait.

 **SANSA** : What is this? What are you

 **SANSA** : Oh my god

 **MARGAERY** : oh, did you not know? yeah jon’s been just as sweet on you as you are on him for aaaaages. i assumed you did, as it’s so bleeding obvious to the rest of us.

 **SANSA** : Should you even be telling me this???

 **MARGAERY** : ugh, probably not, but i’ve been drinking and you know i have no boundaries anyway.

 **MARGAERY** : and i swear, i REALLY thought you knew and you were just makin him sweat like the clever little minx you are (but then i suppose that’s not really your style, is it?), or maybe you two were already doing the naked limbo on the DL or something

 **SANSA** : ??? None of the above.

 **SANSA** : _typing…_

 **SANSA** : _typing…_

 **MARGAERY** : this oughta be good

 **SANSA** : Shit.

 **MARGAERY** : hm. how anticlimactic

 **MARGAERY** : well i imagine you must be having some sort of episode at the moment, and frankly i’ve had one too many cosmos so let me JUST SAY…

 **MARGAERY** : your aesthetic for this evening should be as follows:  
-that semi-sheer crop top i bought you last month (black lace bra underneath, OBVS)  
-those high-waisted shorts you got paint all over when you were redoing your bathroom, but now they’re like so boho chic so it works  
-your oversized cardigan vest  
-end result: domestic sensual, aka jon snow’s #1 wet dream

 **MARGAERY** : if that outfit doesn’t get you engaged to the man by night’s end, i’ve really lost my touch and i’ll be forced to go on some cross-country tour to ~find myself

 **SANSA** : I can’t even find my center of gravity at the moment, honestly.

 **MARGAERY** : oh, that’s good! yeah wear what i told you to AND talk science to him, you’ll have that boy wrapped around your finger so tight it’ll cut off circulation

 **MARGAERY** : ffs sansa get a move on, jon’s whining at me now — ‘is that sansa you’re talking to? is she coming over? margaery remind her i said WHATEVER SHE WANTS’ — dearie me, what WERE the two of you discussing earlier? ;)

 **SANSA** : First of all, shut up. Second, I’m on my way. Third, I’m still freaking out so please prepare two shots and two solo cups with a vodka/lemonade disparity (focus on the former) of historic proportions.

 **MARGAERY** : done and done

 **MARGAERY** : ps jon wants me to tell you “ ;* ”

 **SANSA** : Make that three shots and two vodkas straight-up.

 **MARGAERY** : XD

 

* * *

 

 **THEON** : yoooooo

 **ARYA** : The fuck do you want?

 **THEON** : rude

 **ARYA** : I’m trying to unwind after gymnastics w an ice bath & youre interrupting, so like… im rubber & youre glue, binch

 **THEON** : we’re at threat level midnight, kid, we ain’t got time for ice baths!!!

 **ARYA** : tf are you talking about

 **THEON** : you need to come over STAT

 **ARYA** : No

 **THEON** : dhkakskslskdkskkajsksldj

 **ARYA** : This is like… so annoying

 **THEON** : FINE

 **THEON** : you and i are the only ones who know that jon and sansa have ~the feelings~ for each other, yes?

 **ARYA** : 1. margaery knows, too  
2\. and dont say it like youre privy to some grand secret bc youre such a trustworthy confidant, okay, you just happened to catch jon groaning sansa’s name during a wank like a goddamn animal

 **THEON** : WHATEVER! who cares?? cuz EVERYBODY’S about to find out anyway!

 **ARYA** : How? Is jon having another poorly-timed wank?

 **THEON** : no, but it’s the next best thing — jon’s WASTED, sansa’s gettin there, and the inhibitions are NONEXISTENT

 **THEON** : jon fuckin WOLF-WHISTLED at sansa when she walked in the flat

 **ARYA** : Pls tell me you have video evidence

 **THEON** : OBVIOUSLY. do you even know who i am??

 **THEON** : Attachment: 1 Video

 **ARYA** : Excellent.

 **THEON** : and it’s not even either of our birthdays!!!

 **ARYA** : Tell me there’s more where that came from

 **THEON** : oooooh i’m sure robb will be HAPPY to fill you in — you know you can tell he’s happy when that tic starts in his jaw (and by ‘happy’ ofc i mean ‘confused and furious’) — he’s whipping out his phone in a rage as we speak

 **THEON** : brace for impact, honeycakes

 **ARYA** : what the fuck? Don’t call me that

 

* * *

 

 **ROBB** : Since when are Jon and Sansa all fuckin’ … WHAT IS THIS???

 **ROBB** : Attachment: 1 Image

 **ROBB** : WHAT  
IS  
IT

 **ARYA** : Well it appears to be a candid shot of our beloved sister being properly wooed for once by our oldest, dearest friend, who we KNOW would treat her like a princess so maybe we can, like, relax for 5 seconds bc everything is f i n e

 **ARYA** : and also if we frame this shot it might be a cute christmas gift for mum? you know how much she likes pictures of us, and sansa’s obvs having a great hair day

 **ROBB** : Excuse the fuck outta me??

 **ROBB** : That is PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of our beloved sister being MANHANDLED by a TRAITOR

 **ARYA** : Um locate your chill, Robbert ? he’s just playing with her hair

 **ROBB** : You’re not even here!!  
YOU DON’T KNOW

 **ARYA** : And thank fuckin god i’m NOT there, jesus, i hate when you get like this

 **ARYA** : fckin freak

 

* * *

 

 **JON** : sansaaaaa where’d you go??

 **SANSA** : Kitchen! Making another drink, I told you. Weren’t you listening?

 **JON** : you smell too good i wasnt thinkig

 **JON** : you SPELL too good tkk!! <3 <3 youre perfect

 **SANSA** : This is just what happens when you keep predictive text on. But nooooo, YOU have to go all caveman and try to type everything out from scratch.

 **JON** : this is olny… maybe about 28% caveman

 **SANSA** : How specific.

 **JON** : u wanna see me go the rest of the 72% ?  
;)

 **SANSA** : That’s some impressive drunken maths, Jon, but I think you’ve lost me.

 **JON** : i was tryinf to make a sexy reference to goinf full caveman on you but i lost it skmewhere

 **JON** : anywya sansa i wanna toss you ober my shoulder and then tbrow u down on my bed and like… do stuff to you

 **SANSA** : Oh, yeah? ;) What kinda stuff?

 **JON** : dirty stuff  
whagever ylu want, just like i told you esrlier  
come back here and ill tell you mroe

 **SANSA** : The rum punch is out, I’m making more.

 **JON** : sansa!!!! thats so cute you’re the sweetest <3 <3

 **JON** : nwo i wana tell you dirty stuff i wanna do to you bht also i wnana roll you up in a blamket and smell yuor hair and cuddle with you and five you neck kisses

 **JON** : and then we’d probabky do the dirty stuff again

 **SANSA** : God, I love you.

 **SANSA** : And I’m so glad I told you that earlier already because texting it to you from the other room is *not* how I pictured confessing my undying affection for you the first time.

 **SANSA** : Although I suppose spilling the beans when we ran into each other by the bathroom earlier and then snogging you in the hall wasn’t what I pictured, either, but… Well. C’est la vie and all that.

 **JON** : god sansa youre so hot

 **SANSA** : :)

 **JON** : i wanna make out with yuo in the hallwya agajn  
also on the couch

 **JON** : you know what, sansa i dont thjnk i’d make jt to the bed ag all

 **SANSA** : Your bed’s just at the end of the hall!

 **JON** : at THE END lf the hall, sansa!! THE END is far!!!

 **JON** : … bht the coffee table is right here  
and sturdy  
(u cant see me bjt i’m wiggling my eyebrows @ yuo)  
i think we shuold test it out  
like, today

 **JON** : SANSA GET YOUR FINE BUM BACK OUT HERE

 **SANSA** : I’m downing another cup of this punch and then I’m coming back to you, baby.

 **JON** : god FINALLY

 **SANSA** : ;*

 

* * *

 

 **MARGAERY** : how much you wanna bet jon and sansa are tipsy-snogging on that couch within the hour?

 **THEON** : within the HOUR? HA! i give em half that, and i’m being GENEROUS.

 **THEON** : i mean… come on! i fuckin SEE HIM with his hand rubbin up on her thigh!

 **THEON** : HE JUST KISSED HER NECK FFS  
half an hour, TOPS  
how don’t you see what’s happening here??

 **MARGAERY** : oh, i see it, alright. but seems to me that our mild-mannered jon snow is a bit of a tease, no? he’s getting AWFULLY close to her cat and then, b a m, his hand strokes right back down to her knee again. smooth motherfucker. he’s gonna milk this for all it’s worth!

 **THEON** : uh have you just been boffing my sister for THAT LONG, that you seem to have forgotten how the human male body works?? i’d bet you ten pounds right now that our mild-mannered jon snow is harboring like the mother of stiffies rn. how long do you think he can hold out before he implodes???

 **MARGAERY** : ha! whatever, you’re so on. and how much longer ‘til robb busts a blood vessel?

 **THEON** : look at his eye, mate, i think he already has

 **MARGAERY** : oh how unfortunate

 

* * *

 

 **ROBB** : WE’RE AT DEFCON FIVE

 **THEON** : and you couldn’t walk across the damn room to tell me? gotta waste my battery like that?

 **ROBB** : LOOK AT THEM!!!

 **THEON** : my man there’s like… a PLETHORA of choice skirts at this little soiree, you’re gonna have to be more specific bc right now my eyes are a-feastin’

 **THEON** : it’s like a damn booty schmorgesborg here

 **ROBB** : Stop being a dirty letch for half a second and look at what’s happening on our couch!!

 **THEON** : first off, don’t call ME a dirty letch when jon’s the one coppin a feel on your sister practically right in front of us

 **THEON** : second, tho, to be fair it’s jon’s couch too, so why shouldn’t he get a lil some-somethin on it?

 **ROBB** : That’s NOT a ‘lil some-somethin,’ you DEGENERATE, it’s my SISTER

 **THEON** : mellow out, they’re not even REALLY doing anything

 **ROBB** : NOT DOING ANYTHING??  
He’s NUZZLING her!!!!  
WTF??  
WHAT IS HAPPENING

 **THEON** : the circle of life is happening, robb

 **ROBB** : WHAT

 **THEON** : NAAAAAAANTS INGONYAMA  
BAGITHI BABA

 **ROBB** : ???????

 **THEON** : google it bitch

 **ROBB** : I CAN’T SEE WHERE JON’S HANDS ARE AND YOU’RE TEXTING ME LION KING LYRICS???

 **THEON** : use your basic skills of comprehension, ya numpty. jon’s hands are pretty obviously on sansa’s tits at the mo

 **THEON** : give it another four minutes and i bet his mouth’ll be on em next. i mean provided that he can bear to tear his mouth off her neck, lol

 **ROBB** : ……………

 **THEON** : DUDE don’t tell me you didn’t notice that?? he’s hoovering her neck, man!!!!

 **ROBB** : Fuck me, I can’t look at this anymore, it’s like looking directly into the sun except I actually wish this would blind me.

 

* * *

 

 **THEON** : jon’s definitely feeling sansa up on the couch rn LMAO

 **ARYA** : Someone needs to physically restrain Robb

 **THEON** : i can’t i’m laughing too hard

 **ARYA** : Useless. Im adding Margaery to our chat so you can see firsthand the effort a REAL friend puts into giving appropriate play-by-play

 **THEON** : ouch !!!

 **MARGAERY** : well you’ve added me JUST IN TIME since i just so happened to hear what is possibly the single greatest exchange in the history of human conversation

 **ARYA** : See?? Take notes, theon

 **MARGAERY** : drum roll, please…

 **ARYA** : Im lounging in my tub of ice and pain and i am READY FOR ANYTHING

 **MARGAERY** : THE SCENE: jon and sansa, tangled up on the couch, her legs in his lap and his hand d a n g e r o u s l y high on her freshly-waxed thigh, noses nudging !!! so much giggling!! it’s DISGUSTING lord i love it

 **MARGAERY** : and THEN, as i pound jello shots with loras and renly, all of my good deeds are rewarded with the following conversation (srsly this is the realization of all my good karma and i am THRILLED):

 **MARGAERY** : jon (who’s still gettin fresh with sansa’s legs, the perv!!): ‘you remind me of pinky toes’  
sansa (who laughs bc they’re both stupid-tipsy and IN LOVE): ‘what? how?’  
jon (i’ll spare you the details of his dopey grin but YOU KNOW which grin i’m talking about): ‘you’re cute, small, dainty’

 **MARGAERY** : DRAMATIC PAUSE (but i could totally hear jon planting a hickey under cover of sansa’s hair, okay, it was the same slurping sound me and the boys made while we were suckin down those jello shots)

 **MARGAERY** : jon (IN HIS SHINING THEATRICAL DEBUT): ‘and i’m probably going to bang you on the coffee table later’

 **MARGAERY** : *MIC DROP*

 **ARYA** : This is the greatest day of my life

 **THEON** : i’ve ascended human existence

 **ARYA** : Screenshotting for posterity. And to include in the surprise photo montage we put together for their wedding reception

 **THEON** : screenshotting to text to robb in the harsh light of day, when he’s sober and vulnerable to the cruelties of this world

 **MARGAERY** : honestly have it carved on my tombstone

 **ARYA** : My tub is filled with pain but my heart is a bastion of love and my spirit is at peace with the world

 **THEON** : ~and i think to myself… what a wonderful world… ~

 

* * *

 

 **ROBB** : I’m gonna kick your arse

 **JON** : Whatever you say, mate, but give me another 20 minutes, would you?

 **ROBB** : Another TWENTY?? You were snogging her all NIGHT!!

 **JON** : It’s a new day. Kissing Sansa sober — or hungover, I s’pose — is, believe it or not, somehow better than going at it on the couch in a half-drunk haze.

 **ROBB** : _typing…_

 **JON** : You know what, actually, make it 30 more.

 **ROBB** : _typing…_

 **ROBB** : gOD

 **JON** : :D

 

* * *

 

No one wins the kissing bet, although — at a final count of nineteen minutes — Theon is closest. (Though Margaery will continue to insist that his semi-victory still doesn’t count, anyway, since it turns out that Jon and Sansa snogged in the hallway within the first hour of Sansa’s arrival.)

Jon and Sansa do eventually — that is to say, within the next two weeks — swap shirtless selfies. (But they keep their phone backgrounds suitable for all ages, innocent photographs of kisses on cheeks.)

In the meantime, Sansa borrows one of Jon’s cardigans when she goes to work, which serves to warn off her flirtatious boss well enough. (Mr. Petyr Baelish is further irked those afternoons Jon swings by the office with a tea and a few, borderline-publicly indecent kisses for Sansa. But it’s no matter a month-or-so down the line, when Margaery launches the Tyrells’ new boho chic fashion line — The Gold-Leaf Rose — and hires Sansa on as a fellow consultant and designer.)

Arya does end up framing Robb’s candid shot of Jon and Sansa on the couch, which she ultimately gifts to Jon on his birthday three weeks after the fact. (Six months later, the photo sits on the coffee table in the flat Jon and Sansa move into together.)

(That coffee table is, incidentally, the same one that Robb insists Jon take with him when he moves, because while Robb can’t be sure — and frankly he doesn’t want to know, thanks — he has reason to suspect that Jon and Sansa, as the former sort of promised on that fateful drunken night, really did bang on it.)

(And _incidentally_ … they really did.)


End file.
